Honesty..How do you do it?

I’ve been confronted with this questions for a while…

In my younger days, I was known for my honesty. By the time I was nineteen, I was a bit out of control. It kinda gave me a bad reputation. Strange to think about that time now cause that person who I once was no longer exists. I’ve learned that being honest isn’t always the best thing to do. It hurt people’s feelings and it made me a horrible person. I liked saying what was on my mind, but growing up I was starting to see the danger in it.

And so in my early twenties I began to control what I said. By my mid-twenties I controlled everything I said a little too well that I began to no longer be honest with myself. A friend that I met a few years ago told my last year, “Monica, you edit everything that you say that you lie to yourself.” Which was so true. I put the honest side of my personality away so much that it was causing me to become a different person.

Now I am discovering that I went too far with not being truthful when it comes to expressing my heart. I rather just smile and deal with what I have to deal with or just let it pass. This method has worked for the past few years, but just recently I’ve been haunted by my dreams.

I strongly believe that dreams speak to us. I’ve discover that in my dreams I can not lie to myself. The past year, every night I dream that I am in a bathrobe trying to find some privacy to take a shower.  Everyone from my work place seems to show up and interprets me. I try to get away from them as I am awkwardly nude under my bathrobe. Now my dream book says many things about this subject, but some lines that stand out to me are ” masking feelings of our real emotions with in everyday life” and “revealing one’s true nature.” I’ve often felt guilty for having dreams, therefore I don’t share them as often as I should. Or I don’t express how I really feel when it comes to relationships.

Honesty has made my life complicated in the past. After all, the first line in my short film was, “honesty made two lovers enemies.” I remember I was talking to my friend after knowing him for three-years about when we first met. He told me that I sent him a message once that freaked him out. I asked why and he told me why. I then said, “OOOhhh, I didn’t mean that at all, in fact I thought I was making things less awkward by being honest.” The truth was, I wasn’t being TOTALLY honest which lead to his misunderstanding. Well, I wish I could say that this type of misunderstanding has happened to me once but in fact not so.

So where is that line of honesty? I have no idea. But I know I have to exercise it, other wise I might just lose myself. A goal I have set for 2011 is to be honest to myself and others. So I’ve ruined some relationships in the past because of my lack of honesty, its okay. I guess they were destined to fail the moment I couldn’t be honest.

So I ask you, “Honesty, how do you do it?”

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David Dancing to Balmorhea – Truth

My nephew hanging out with me in my room.
I love his innocent responds to the music.

full song:

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My friend Nick Khoo

I must admit, I have never been the person to have lots of friends. I have this horrible habit of not putting effort in to friendships. Once in a while, I make a new friend that doesn’t feel like work. My friendship with Nick Khoo was the most unexpected gift Australia gave me.

Well, Nick is one of my soul mate friends. The ones I wish I could keep for life. We are indeed different but my goodness so a like. He would hate it when I would brag to other people how similar we were, after all he is an Asian guy and I am a Mexican girl. He was born in New Zealand and I was born in the hood. We have different cultural up bringing but some how we have some similar wiring. I remember once we ordered the same ice cream and had no idea until we both turned around, he then looked at me and said, “Don’t say it.” :)

We probably aren’t that much alike anymore since we’ve had some new life experiences since 2005. But it seems as though we met each other at the perfect time back then.

Actually.. its a funny story. I was a college student at Hillsong and my class was leaving the church office buildings and Nick happen to walk by. My teacher said, “Oh this is Nick Khoo, he makes all those amazing videos.” I said with my innocent brown eyes looking up to him in excitement, “Wow, maybe you can teach me some of your tricks!” and to my shock but amazement he said, “I don’t think so” and walked away. haha…

Yes.. this was the beginning of our beautiful and honest friendship.

From then on I tried hard to win his hearts affection. (In a very non-romantic way). At the Women Conference, my teacher knowing I was an editor, set me up with Nick to be his assistant. It was the best gig ever. I mainly hung out with him talking about life, God, California, and editing. He even let me work on the conference highlights! I’m not sure when I won him over, maybe it was when I brought him his lunch, or maybe it was my pretty house mate who talked to him that night when she saw him and I walking. Whatever it was, I’m glad he opened up his world to me. This is the first photo we ever took together.

In celebration to a conference well done!

From that event on, we become great friends. After long nights of editing, he would always offer to take me home. Here is a glamorous photo of me Nick took while editing in the basement where the computers were:

Those car ride talks alone have changed my life. I was a young 22-year-old girl who had a wounded heart and Nick became my honest and trustworthy friend, just what I needed. He became family. Even though Nick and I were close friends only for a short season in both of our lives, I know I will never forget him and hope he will never forget me.

I found his faith in God encouraging, his passion for editing inspiring and his easy going personality addicting. My house mates hated watching movies with us, as they could care less about what frame rate something was filmed in. He let me be a geek and a wanna be hippie artist at the same time. He never made me feel guilty for being myself.

He was one of the hardest people to leave behind when I left Sydney. Since then we have seen each other about once a year. This time last year I went back for a visit and just a few months ago he was on tour with the Hillsong team. Though I don’t talk to him everyday, I still remember those life changing conversations we had.

I write this special post for him today..

to say Happy Birthday Editing Soul Mate. I miss you and know the next time I see you, it will be like we were never apart. I will for sure, come to your wedding.

 

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a Shot Gun Wedding

I’ve been to a few shotgun weddings in my life time.  Usually there are just a handful of people there, mainly immediate family. Its usually a bit awkward, everyone in the room can see the sweat on the forehead of the bridegroom and the worried look of the bride.

The term “shotgun wedding” dates back to the good old days, when a couple was forced to marry due to an unplanned pregnancy.

When I found these photos at a yard sale of this young couple’s wedding, I was intrigued. I began to wonder the story behind them.

I wonder where they are now, if they are still together. I wonder if being an interracial couple had anything to do with having a court wedding. Oh the drama.

What ever the reason was, these two sure loved each other. :)

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David Making Tea

There are moments when David, my two-year old nephew is nice to me. One when I give him chips and two, when I play with him. I was surprise when he found my old tea pots entertaining. My own son is diffidently going to be an artist.

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